I went out for our 9 mile run this morning. Our coach and I decided that this would be a test run. If I didn't feel right, I'd go back.
At about mile 2.25, I realized that I was doing more harm than good, and I made the very hard decision to go back. I thought I'd run the rest of the way back. I couldn't do it. My knee, even with the brace on, hurt. My other knee has started to hurt in the same way.
I walked over two miles in the wind and freezing cold, and I cried. I passed all of my landmarks that always make me so happy at Cooper River--the hotel where we got engaged, the dog park that's always filled with adorable pooches, the parking lot right before the one I park in when I know that I'm almost done with my run and start to congratulate myself. It broke my heart. This walk took 30 minutes. I wanted to run, because I was so cold, but I couldn't. I did a lot of soul-searching out there all alone. Unfortunately, I didn't find much except a massive feeling of failure.
I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and I'm not attempting to run until then. My coach suggested I take the week off, which I will probably do. Our 20 mile run is scheduled for next Saturday, and I really want to be able to do that.
I cannot tell you how awful I feel. It's like there's this bad thing hanging over my head all of the time. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I can't figure out why it won't get better.
I don't feel like myself anymore. I've come to define myself through my running. I don't like changing my routine. I miss my shorter, solitary runs. I feel broken, bad, wrong, alone. I feel like a failure.
I know I have friends and family members out there who read this, and I don't want you to worry or feel like you need to cheer me on. I'll be fine. I just needed to get these feelings out. I hope that in a month, I'll read this and wonder why the heck I was so upset. I pray that will happen.
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4 comments:
Hopefully the doctor will find something easily resolved. That being said.. having run 18, you could run a marathon now. If it turns out you have to take a couple weeks off in order to get this in better shape, you can still do the marathon. You'll be well-rested!
*Hug*. I know it's easier said than done, but you've been doing so much lately that you should take some time for yourself to do something fun and relaxing that has nothing to do with running and will take your mind off it completely!
---Alison
Please let us know what the doc says. Chin up. :-)
Therese,
Shocking as it may seem, I am an avid reader of your blog :) I really do find inspiration in what you are doing. I could never dream of even attempting this and I think you should feel so proud of yourself! I know you've heard that before and it doesn't really make anything better but hopefully you will realize that people out there admire you just for undertaking this task. The outcome doesn't really matter. You've already done the best part by raising all that $$$$! I truly hope the doctor can do something for you. Good luck.
Love ya,
Danielle
[your old GCA buddy:)]
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